Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in SomeoneLIED's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, July 13th, 2005
9:45 pm	"you have critical errors on your pc" oh let me tell you, those critical errors on my computer are nothing like my critical errors in judgement. i will trade you any day. im lonely... and bored... my phone never rings anymore. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 2nd, 2005
9:46 pm	no fucking subject "he thinks his honest redeems him...but honesty never changed the truth." i guess i've done alright today. wherever my mind has been. i guess i didn't crumble this time, like a jackhammer hitting a sidewalk. i got up. i went to work. i didn't stop functioning. not to say that this has been remotely easy, it hasn't been. its one of the hardest things i have ever had to deal with, but i guess by the fourth go round, you start to wonder what your part is in the mix. is my judgment so flawed that i can't find friends that think i am as worthy as i think they are? "i am a rock, i am an island"...i am the self-proclaimed bastardly fool. i just don't understand her. actually, that is not true...i do understand her...i just don't understand how someone can so blatantly disregard someone else's feelings...much less someone they claimed to care about. i can't decide what is the worst part, feeling betrayed and hurt...or thinking that no one cares...or knowing, for that matter, the person who i want to care the most, feels nothing. denial is really a bitch. it hurts those in its path of furry, while protecting those who do the harm. all i want is to feel nothing when it hurts, and everything when it doesn't. question: is it better to live in a world that seems against you? standing by your morals and ideals, knowing that life should be better than this, somewhere you know life can be more. or when you examine your virtues (if anyone even attempts these days), do you find that you are contradicting yourself by playing along, playing by the rules of the majority you don't want to understand, whose standards are lower than your own, striving and starving for some kind of truth, so very rare, when it should be your sustenance? everyone scrambles around for truth...they know its important, but they do not demand it. but then again, i am a hypocrite. i have fumbled. i have violated my own moral code...maddening, saddening, lost inside myself. i want an escape from this reality. i want to sleep peacefully, knowing that i will be rewarded for my effort. i want to know that all of this means something...to someone...somewhere. i want to find purpose in this pain. how do you turn it around, when you don't even feel capable to breathing? how do you take the pain out of your chest and ignore the sinking feeling in your stomach? how do you remain believing in anything you once held dear, when you feel robbed of everything that mattered? how do you live to your fullest potential, when you barely feel like you exist? i have held on to the notion that my feelings are worthy. that i am worthy...worthy of loyalty...worthy of love...worthy of respect...but i see this slipping away as i write...maybe i'm not who i think i am. Current Mood: drained Current Music: MTV true life...background noise (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
9:22 pm	sluttering... So I guess its safe to say, I turn to livejournal when its all grey and empty inside... Today I was told by my ex-boyfriend (who officially received that status two weeks ago) that he has feelings for my roommate (who also, by default, happens to be my best friend). After hearing this, I resorted to my most comfortable state, that of denial, and chalked his confession up to being nothing more than a childish (and bad) joke. Well this quickly took the back seat to feeling angry, hurt, betrayed...and all those other good things we feel when people fuck us over. And after a day of thought, and my best attempt at objective reasoning, I sit her bewildered and confused. At what point did it become okay to pursue a relationship with your ex'es bestfriend...or better yet...at what point did it become okay to pursue a relationship with your best-friend's ex? Right or wrong, I consider myself to be a pretty understanding person and I have lent myself out to realizing that it is entirely possible to become attracted to your friend's boyfriend/girlfriend. I just was under the assumption that when the risk of hurting someone is so great, you refrain from acting on any feelings to spare those of the person you are close with. Even if that is not a priority, I would at least venture to suggest waiting a few months...even if its only so you don't look completely heartless . Unfortunately, she nor he agreed...and now I am stuck here, broken-hearted as a result of losing two people I truly cared for...and trying to figure out how I can afford to avoid the inevitable situation of seeing them together, under my own roof. I have to admit, I feel defeated. I feel like she wants me out just as much as I want out. Maybe to diffuse the tension...maybe to give her refuge from her guilt...Whatever the reason...it really fucking hurts. Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
10:31 pm	its amazing how life changes minute to minute, day by day. in a span shorter than the length of some lame ass commercial, your life can be flipped upside down and everything you once held onto, could be gone forever. not that this is a profound reality...i just have been thinking about it alot lately. i think its very interesting that we tell ourselves and our friends/family things like "everything happens for a reason" and "things will be better again" without ever knowing if that is the case. things might get much worse...a breakup could be the beginning of a road filled with sadness and tragedy for years to come...but i guess our humanistic optimism comes to the rescue and we are back to that never-ending quest for purpose and definition. i don't really know why i am depressed today...maybe its just my hang-over...maybe its not. i keep wondering what it is inside us humans that makes change so hard...and where can i lose this detremental, bullshit tendency? i guess i just feel vulnerable...it is so hard to find stability when you haven't had it in four months. i need a job...something that will give me purpose. dont get me wrong, there is definitely something wonderful about sleeping in every morning, but i am starting to feel worthless...almost like the left overs you keep in your fridge that were really good when you made them but after a few days, they lose their appeal. i want, so much, to find a job i enjoy...where i feel like i am making a difference...i want to feel motivated...i want to feel like myself again. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: the sound of my keyboard (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 14th, 2005
11:25 pm	So I guess I am finally succumbing to this online journal bullshit. I figure that at best, I will have something to read a year later when I am happy again...maybe in a decent relationship...and sleeping at night. Ah, those where the days. (3 Comments |Comment on this)